One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'
Sally's husband goes out and moves their car.  A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

Sally's husband goes out and moves their car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......'Then the power dies.  Sally's husband is very upset, and with a worried look on his face he says, 'Sally, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'
With the love and understanding in her voice Sally says,
'Why don't you just leave it in the garage!

Which cereal do healthy snowmen have for breakfast?
Frosties!
What do hungry snowmen put on their ice-burgers?
Chilly sauce!
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What did the snowman's hat say to the scarf?
 You hang around while I go on ahead.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER – by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was living with  cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it .. live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what  Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

One-Liners
• Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
• Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
• Forbidden fruits create many jams.
• God doesn't call the qualified, but qualifies the called.
• Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
• Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

Zen Sarcasm

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
• Always remember that you’re unique.  Just like everyone else.
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

A little humour
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot.

Church Marquee Signs
• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
• Under same management for over 2000 years!
• Soul food served here.
• Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

Don't Forget The Main Thing!
A woman bought a parrot to keep her company but returned it the next day. "This bird doesn't talk," she told the owner.

"Does he have a mirror in his cage?" he asked. "Parrots love mirrors. They see their reflection and start a conversation." The woman bought a mirror and left.

The next day she returned; the bird still wasn't talking.

"How about a ladder? Parrots love ladders. A happy parrot is a talkative parrot." The woman bought a ladder and left.

But the next day, she was back. "Does your parrot have a swing? No? Well, that's the problem. Once he starts swinging, he'll talk up a storm." The woman reluctantly bought a swing and left.

When she walked into the store the next day, her countenance had changed.

"The parrot died," she said.

The pet store owner was shocked. "I'm so sorry. Tell me, did he ever say a word?" he asked.

"Yes, right before he died," the woman replied. "In a weak voice, he asked me, 'Don't they sell any food at that pet store?'"

Sometimes people forget the main thing.
Do you know what your real priorities in life are?

~ Author Unknown ~