October 17 meeting

Grief - was the topic we chose for the educational component of this meeting. Following the business portion, Betty Marlin joined us and led us in a lively discussion of grief, what it means to us, how we deal with it and how we, as front line workers, help others dealing with grief.

Betty first of all posed the question to those present, of an example of grief they had experienced. After a bit of a slow start, Betty gave the first example, others jumped in and started sharing experiences of their own. We talked of the things that can cause grief, i.e. change, loss, and death. The emotions that can be seen as a prelude to grief, such as, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and the physical attributes that can accompany - shock (numbness), yearning (searching), disorganization, depair and reorganization.

We learned that grief can also cause feelings of: anger (at boththe person who died and/or God), fear (of coping with the loss, living alone...), guilt (for not being there, for not doing more...), distress (how will I cope - can I manage...), disgust (how could he/she/life do this to me), shame (he/she left me - actually or physically) and no feelings or hidden feelings.

The grief process is to accept the reality, experience the pain and loss, adjust to the new environment and reinvest in a new reality. This is not a simple, straightforward process. The process moves back and forth in no particular order both within each area of emotional, physical and the actual process, and between each area. Each individual will handle it differently because of: their life experience, and their actual make-up. People of all ages will go through this process. The process cannot be forced.

Often we are faced with relatives telling us that they don't want a fneral or ritual of any kind following their passing. One thing to remember is that funerals or rituals are for those who are affected, those left to mourn whatever the incident and they are helpful in the grieving process.

There are also some cultural expections that are not helpful such as: it is wrong to cry in public, wrong to show any emotion in public, to get on with life, to protect children from the harsh reality of death, to pretend nothing unusual or unnatural is going on and to talk only about the good things or times in public.

As front-line workers some possible responses that might prove beneficial are:
- First and foremost try to sense what the person or persons expect/need/want
- Begin with "I am so sorry" or words to that affect
- Accept the person or persons where and how they are - the person sets the agenda
- Listen with your eyes and ears
- Often the most appropriate response is not to try to say anything beyond "I am sorry"
- Next, "How can we help?" [using "we" as collective meaning the church, particularly the minister}
- Later, whatever seem appropriate: "Would you like to talk about it?" "Tell me more" and/or "How are you doing?"
- Sometimes a hug is appropriate - if you feel comfortable
- Having tissues available would be important and accepting tears is important (even encouraging, if possible)
- Let them know you will notify whomever they wish on their behalk - the minister particularly

If is appropriate to ask (unless it is obvious that you are the first person to be informed)
- Have you been in touch with the funeral home? With the family?
- What details are in place? What further decisions need to be made?

Inappropriate responses would consist of:
- Saying the minister is not available - let the minister make that decision
- Being afraid to respond
- Assuming there is only grief or loss; there may also be guilt or anger or even relief.

It was obvious during the one hour we spend discussing grief, that there is a vast amount of collective wisdom within this group. Although we may not always think we are coping as well as we should be in our dealings with grief-stricken individuals, our natural responses are most likely very appropriate.

Betty's notes were used to compose this information.

Submitted by Janice Martin