“Another Country: Growing Older in
I shall begin with a confession. I have never preached on this text from John’s Gospel or even found any Bible study materials on it. I set out to preach this text quite a while ago when the terrible Virginia Tech massacre occurred and I felt compelled to try to make sense of that horrific tragedy instead of dealing with this text. So here we are on the next to last sermon of my time here on the
I’ll start with a remembrance of grandmothers, my husband’s Grandmother Henry who lived her whole life on a dairy farm in the town of
Bob had lived his first ten years adjacent to the farm, and the values of that simpler time were deeply imprinted in his character. In my life, my Grandmother Murray lived with us from the time I was three until I was almost six. She was my constant companion, my chief admirer, who taught me to play Old Maid, helped my make my first valentines, let me stir the oatmeal from a stool in the kitchen at 6:00 am, met me at the school bus everyday, and coached me on the expectations of a young lady which I was not prone to observe. When I was twelve she warned me that I must give up climbing trees. I didn’t, but in other ways I yearned to please her. I still wonder what she would think of my life’s vocation.
It is from this perspective of deep caring for the older members in our families of origin that seemed to influence a decision that my husband and I made 30 years ago to take over the ownership of a small rest home which we converted into assisted living for elders. For the next 25 years we owned and operated 1st one, then two small assisted living residences. This was an aspect of our lives that began when I was half way through seminary. We quickly found ourselves serving shifts, bringing our school aged sons along, cooking, cleaning, serving, making repairs and scrambling to get everything right.
The goal was simple. We wanted to give persons who could no longer live at home the best possible chance to have choices in their living arrangements, to be as independent as possible, to receive the personal care assistance they needed, and to have the best quality of life that could be achieved. As you might imagine, this was primarily my husband’s project, but I tagged along when possible or necessary. We held celebrations for all occasions, birthdays, anniversaries, 4th of July, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, New Years Eve. We saw first hand the many losses and disappointments that are often inherent in growing older, so we used every occasion we could to hold picnics, parties, sing-a longs and dances. Our sons remember most major holidays as revolving around our two assisted living residences.
All of this experience and more has given me quite a lot of occasion in life to think about the challenges of getting older.
As Elmer Eschenberg once said to me as we stood by Page’s side one late night at the Emergency Room, “Old age is not for sissies!”
As I have often commented, it seems strange that God would have us begin our lives in dependency, unable to even survive without the consistent attention of caretakers, bring
us into a kind of physical self sufficiency only to have us return in the late years of life to dependency and the need for various kinds of assistance. Most of us find this both discouraging and perplexing. And I have heard many people ask what it is that God expects of us in the final stage of our lives here on earth.
We know right away that the text for today does not provide any answers. Rather it sets out for us that uneasy dilemma of the seeming self sufficiency and self determination of our younger years against the stark image of having a belt put round our waist and being led where we would not go. While I think there are clues to Jesus’ wisdom on this subject throughout the Gospel stories, I also think that our collective life experience informs this topic for us.
I suspect most of us have known persons of incredible resolve who were always doing for others until age or some infirmity stopped them in their tracks. That happened to my mother-in –law, Amy Henry, this spring when a stubborn leg ulcer kept her house bound and off her feet for several months. I think it was the only time in her life, when by sheer strength of will she could not make her body obey her intentions.
Each day friends came by, providing her with all the necessities of life. Meals were cooked, cards written, flowers picked. Mom says it was a constant stream of helpers, encouragers, companions. Finally she was well enough to attend the annual Children’s Day at church and the service was dedicated to her. For decades she has taught first grade and rewritten the Bible stories so that a six year old could understand the story and learn a lesson for living. Someone found one of her stories and had it published as a book, then read it for the children and the entire congregation.
As weeks turned in to months this spring, mother tried to be patient with her frail body. As she learned patience the hard
way, her heart filled again and again with gratitude for the innumerable acts of kindness she received each day.
In recent weeks, her leg has healed and she is back to her old self, entertaining summer company, cooking and organizing her life once again. She plans to go back to school after Labor Day and once again assist in the 1st grade at the tender age of 88. She is for me a model and a mentor of the acceptance God invites us to when our spirits are called to prevail in the face of aging and uncooperative bodies.
Her handwritten cookbook of personal recipes is filled with snapshots of her in her daily activities, accompanied by her favorite Bible verses. My favorite page shows her catching a before supper cat-nap in her recliner. The caption reads: “PMA: Positive Mental Attitude or Poor Mental Attitude?” We draw the conclusion that the choice is always ours as to what kind of attitude we bring to life.
I think one of the clues about aging that Jesus brings is his own attitude as he faced the inevitability of his death on the cross as God’s plan for him. Jesus didn’t shun what lay ahead for him. Rather he faced the loss of self determination with courage and resolve. The disciples told him they would do anything to bring about a happier outcome. Remember when Jesus told them that he must go up to
In this sense the Christian faith gives us more helpful answers than the contemporary culture in
to achieve so called perfect bodies. From plastic surgery, to makeover mouths and hair transplants, there seems to be no end to what we will buy or endure for preserving an illusion of youthful perfection.
We all know that the challenges of aging are far more complex than what I have indicated here. I took part of my sermon title from a recent book by Mary Pipher who writes not only about the challenges of aging in
Here on the
At a practical level, most of us come up short in having a plan B, C or D to supplement the ideal plan which most of us would chose, that of remaining self sufficient all the days of our lives and dying quietly in a chair with no suffering and loss of dignity. Would that we had a cook book for getting older and the clear directions that said, so if you can’t absolutely have your way, what other contingency plans would you lay down?
Beyond the practical matters of having enough financial resources and alternative plans for living if we cannot do so on our own, I think we would all do well to reflect about what God is looking for in us as our physical abilities become more limited.
I have observed the special bond we often see between the very young and the very old. How often in our families and friends we see a baby held in the arms of the oldest member of the family. There they are gazing happily into one another’s eyes, simply drinking in one another’s presence. Perhaps neither can walk on his or her own. That same image is reflected in the moment of Jesus’ baptism when God’s voice breaks forth from heaven, saying, “This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased.” The ultimate act of living, contrary to what our culture teaches, is the act of being rather than any act of doing. And all the great spiritual traditions of the world teach that being precedes and is more important than doing.
One of the great tasks of growing older is to review and reflect about our lives as we reassess the significance of who we have been and what we have done. Some of us are able to look back and see mistakes we have made and perhaps we are able to extend some forgiveness to ourselves and others. But we all realize that wisdom is not an automatic corollary of growing older. For some, there is increasing acceptance of the unevenness or unfairness of life. Others will decline into bitterness and patterns of blaming others for dreams not realized.
The Christian psychologists Evelyn and James Whitehead claim that the circumstances of our later lives often determine the attitudes we carry about the whole course of our lives. They say that if we are relatively happy in our current circumstances of our later years, then we tend to view the meaning of our lives through a positive lens. If we are unhappy with our current circumstances, then we may see our whole lives through a lens of negativity and criticism.
The Whiteheads, like Erik Ericson, refer to the concept of generativity in our later years. The narrow view of generativity is the idea of living in order to bring children and grandchildren into the world. A more selfless ideal is to be a
person dedicated to future generations, not just our own families but the good of all humankind. Thus true generativity in our older years is living into the future for the sake of future generations. Such a point of view focuses less on wanting to be in charge of things and more on wanting those who succeed us to be empowered to make positive contributions to the quality of life on earth.
In the best of circumstances we can look back upon our lives and see that life is like a refiner’s fire: through all the trials and tests of living we become more true to ourselves, more authentic, more who God intends us to be. That is the goal that Jesus intends for each of us. His call to the disciples on the beach is that call to purpose, that call to become the person we are meant to be. I believe that this is how I would characterize the ideals of old age. This is the time when God gives us permission to be. We are not raising a family or getting an education or earning a living. We are living and those who are wise will want our lives to be dedicated to the greater good beyond ourselves.
Such a view has implications for us as individuals, for us in our families, for us in society, and for us in the church. Whether we are old or young, I suspect that someday we will see that segregating old from young as we are tending to do in
In the church, we often think that we are to minister to the children and the eldest members. A wiser approach is to include persons in the ministries which they are also able to extend to others. In my three years here at Dennis Union Church, I have often craved having a van service for the church, so that we can be sure that those who are no longer driving themselves around are as included in the life of the church as they wish to be.
When physical limitations keep us away from church, the church is poorer by way of our absence. The vision of the church must be as inclusive of all of us as possible. I felt we fulfilled that vision in our confirmation/mentoring program of pairing a young person with a seasoned older person. What a great equation for faith development.
By trying to preach on this topic this week I have realized that this is a topic worthy of many sermons. I know that I haven’t even scratched the surface on the core spiritual issue of what God intends for the final earthly stage of human life. Under the very best of circumstances I know that I have often been asked, “Why doesn’t God take me?” This fervent question is often accompanied by the expressed hope that the person will be reunited with their loved ones and find a place in heaven with God.
And we know that many persons whom we have known and loved to not have the blessing of completing their life on earth according to their own desires. Let me consider a few thoughts as I close. God sent commandments. I’ll make observations and suggestions for growing older and meeting the needs of others who are growing older.
10 suggestions for growing older with the grace of God:
1. Remember that God values us primarily for being.
Doing is secondary. We are valuable because we are.
2. All of us need to be connected one to another. The ministry of staying connected to frail and older persons invites us all to be involved.
3. When should an elder have professional personal care or assistance? My husband’s rule of thumb was this. A person needs to arrange for outside assistance when the demands of care are eroding the relationship.
4. As you make plans for growing older for yourself and with others, put into writing what you would want for all kinds of
unpredictable circumstances.
5. The best plans are made when we are still in good health and strength.
6. It is never too late to forgive and repair relationships. Life can often feel better when we make peace with our past.
7. Go out of your way to keep older persons involved and to listen to and respect their point of view.
8. Go out of your way to stay connected to others in your own aging process. No one thrives on isolation.
9. Help your community and your church to be inclusive in all respects.
10. Be aware of your PMA. A Positive Mental Attitude will
always be more effective than a Poor Mental Attitude.
I’ll close with a poem by beloved
I will try.
I will step from the house to see what I see
and hear and I will praise it.
I did not come into this world
to be comforted.
I came, like red bird, to sing.
But I’m not red bird, with his head-mop of flame
and the red triangle of his mouth
full of tongue and whistles,
but a woman whose love has now vanished,
who thinks now, too much, of roots
and the dark places
where everything is simply holding on.
But this too, I believe, is a place
where God is keeping watch
until we rise, and step forth again and—
But wait. Be still. Listen!
Is it red bird? Or something
inside myself, singing?
*Red Bird, by Mary Oliver (p. 75 Beacon Press, Boston, 2008)
“Another Country:
Growing Older in
Text: John 21:15-18
Rev. Kathleen S. Henry
Fourteenth Sunday after Pentecost
