Helping Your Children Preserve Loving Relationships Post-Divorce
‘Tis the
season for love. As cupid flies around this month shooting his arrows
and making sparks fly, the month of February draws our attention to the
love connections in our lives. Well beyond our relationships with mates
are everlasting love connections with our children and families. Often
times these relationships come with labels that seem to easily define
the love and role of that person in our lives: mother, father, son,
daughter. For families of divorce, loving relationships are all too
often broken, shaken, and stirred, leading into new territory.
Respecting your co-parent
You may no longer live
in the same household, but you will always be your children’s
parents. The purpose of parenting is to protect your children’s best
interest, even when you are going through a difficult time yourself. It
is very important that parents don't bash each other around the
children, that they don't permit disrespect of either parent, and
that continuity between the households is prioritized. Parenting with
purpose through this transition in your children’s lives includes
recognizing the importance of maintaining the relationships your
children have with both of their parents and respecting the love they
share.
New relationships post-divorce
Stepparents may
very well be the most overlooked and underappreciated role in a
redefined family. Stepparents deserve a lot of credit for the fact that
they have signed up to take on the responsibilities of parenting a
child not born to them who has existing parental relationships.
Ideally, these relationships are made out of love, not obligation.
Children in these situations are fortunate to have extra people in
their lives that love them and will help them as they grow.
Blended families introduce a very complicated dynamic of
relationships for redefining families. Oftentimes children are still
transitioning with the breakdown of their family unit when they find
themselves in a blended family. The key to successful loving
relationships is to take time, and be considerate of the children from
the beginning of introductions throughout the entire process. Do not
let your children stumble upon your new love when they wake up one
morning. Instead, introductions and shared time together will help make
it a smoother and more natural transition. Make them participants in
the decision to blend families, and be thoughtful with time management
to include time alone with your children, time alone with your mate’s
children, and quality bonding time all together to allow loving
relationships to grow.
Valentine’s Day is a time of year to honor and celebrate the loving
relationships in your life, and raise your children to appreciate the
relationships they have in their lives with all the people that love
them. Teaching your children that love does not end with divorce, and
the importance of not damaging relationships that matter to them or
running away from problems, but instead to resolve conflict in a
healthy way and respect ourselves as well as those we love - what a
wonderful valentine to share with your children!
Divorce and new beginnings for you and your kids
By Margo MacPhail
Wednesday, December 27, 2006 New beginnings and resolutions are echoed across the world
as we begin a new year in January 2007. For families of divorce and separation,
new beginnings occur year round. As Einstein once said, “In the midst of
Difficulty lies Opportunity.” Take advantage of the
opportunity of your new beginning. Prioritizing the best interests of children
and family members as you plan to rebuild for a healthy and successful future
is the best resolution for new beginnings any time of year.
Mapping out a blueprint of where you are now, and where you
would like your family to be, can be overwhelming in the midst of a redefining
family, but is absolutely attainable and can be managed with these simple
steps. You will be surprised to see how each component interacts with the
other.
Goal Planning
Develop your Family Plan by create one clear mission or goal
for the family, such as “Healthy, Happy and Successful.” From that one clear
goal, break it down for each family member and develop a “stepladder” of how to
get from where you are today to how to get the goals you envision. Mom, this
may be the time to enroll in a local community college and get that degree you
have always wanted, to achieve your goals of living that great career,
increasing income & financial stability, feeling successful, and enjoying
happiness. Work with the children to identify some of their personal goals, and
develop a “stepladder” for how to make dreams realties.
Balance and Time Management
Being a single parent does not require translation of being
the “only” parent. Do not make the mistake of putting yourself in that
situation, as it will not accomplish your mission but instead will quickly burn
you out financially, emotionally, and physically, not to mention it is not in
the children’s best interest. Instead, develop the blueprint of your Family
Plan to encourage regular, generous, visitation with both parents and both
sides of the family. This will accomplish many goals: best interests of the
children by allowing them to grow up knowing both sides of their family, time
management for you to allow you to pursue your own goals such as career
development or increasing finances (example: enrolling in a local community
college or picking up a better paying job).
Healthy Outlets and Quality Time Together
The changing of your family lends itself to a very
stressful, taxing, and draining experience for you as well as your children.
Healthy outlets to release stress, increase health & wellness, and have fun
doing it will help to accomplish your Family Plan. Make your new beginning of a
healthy, happy, and successful lifestyle a family affair.
There are many great places on the South
Shore where you can have fun
enjoying a healthy lifestyle together with your children. Speaking from my own
experience, Cynergy in Whitman www.cynergycoaching.com is a great hidden jewel blending components
of Fitness, Nutrition, and Inspiration to make a healthy lifestyle fun and
attainable for adults and kids alike! Offering Life Coaching, Nutrition Plans,
Boxing Classes for kids and adults, and more, it’s a great outlet to
incorporate into your lifestyle and accomplish goals. A few towns over on Route
18 (15 North Bedford Street) in East Bridgewater is the MacPhail International
Academy, [(508) 378-2422] where kids and adults alike can enjoy martial arts
training, self-defense classes, and more as they build self-esteem and self
protection skills in today’s post-911 world. Finding a family friendly outlet
where they are happy to work with you to meet your goals will make this a smooth
transition into a rewarding lifestyle.
As with the New Year, one door is closing but another
is opening. Take advantage of the opportunity your new beginnings offer, and
resolve to plan your family towards a healthy, happy, and successful future. Happy
New Year!
A child of divorce, today Margo MacPhail is a professional
children’s advocate specializing in this field, and the Founder & Executive
Director of KIDS FIRST. Located in the United Church of Christ (10 Bedford St.,
Abington), KIDS FIRST is a non-profit organization dedicated to help kids and
parents through the breakdown of their family unit and the redefinition of
their family for a healthy and successful future. For more information, call
the UCC office, or click on: www.kidsfirstonline.org.
