December 1, 2003 was my first anniversary as a Christian.  Before coming to Christ, I spent half my lifetime going through the motions of being a Catholic and the other half ignoring God and denying His existence.
I was not raised in a church-going family, but I attended Catholic school, where from kindergarten through high school the Sisters of Saint Joseph provided my religious training. After high school I attended church less often and eventually not at all. I never missed not having God in my life.  Very arrogant, I believed my abilities were sufficient to handle whatever came my way – and if not, I could always find help.  It never occurred to me that God might be a source of help, or to thank Him for those abilities I was  proud of.  In my life, God did not exist.

My self-sufficiency was put to the test when, after several years of marriage, my husband became a very verbally abusive, angry and controlling person.
Our whole family lived under the stress and frustration of trying to appease his anger, absorb his hurtful words, meet his standards – and never succeeding.  But I convinced myself that I was strong and self sufficient; I would hang tough.  I failed to see how bitter, angry, and selfish I was becoming, with a sarcastic, hurtful mouth that could cut anyone to shreds.  Then, in 1979 my husband’s diabetes, which had been barely under control for years, escalated, and he became legally blind.  Suddenly I was responsible for maintaining the household and caring for the family.
I was seething with anger and self-pity.  Friends encouraged me to turn to God for comfort and strength, even offering to pray with me.  “No way,” I told them. “God is a well-planned scam, a joke,” I insisted.  “There is no God!”  The death of my husband in 1985 when my youngest son, Tom, was only fifteen just reinforced this belief.

And there I stayed until about ten years ago.  At that time Tom joined a Christian student group at college and eventually became a Christian.  He began urging me to read the Bible.  “Forget it,” I told him.  Yet with every phone call he’d bring it up again.  Finally I realized that this was important to him, and in the interest of our mother/son relationship I decided to give in.  I began with the Gospels. That was easy, the nuns had taught me that much.  Next were Romans and Hebrews – which I just didn’t get.  There was no way any of those teachings would apply to my life in today’s world, and I told Tom so.  But he wouldn’t give up.  He suggested I meet with his Pastor, David Filson, the next time I visited him in Nashville.  David, he assured me, would help me understand Paul’s words and answer my questions too.  So every Thanksgiving, for about three years, I would do a little Bible study with David and Tom.  And I floated along, not quitting, but not pushing forward either.

Christ was knocking at my mind and my heart during those years but I would not open up to Him.  I could hear Him encouraging me to change, urging me to correct my attitude or hurtful words, inviting me to trust Him and let Him comfort me, but my heart was encased in concrete.  Then one day I realized I was having a mental conversation with a God who didn’t exist.  Not praying, you understand, just talking.  That upset me and I backed off.

On Thanksgiving weekend, 2002, I was at David’s house in Nashville celebrating his son’s second birthday.  We talked about the Bible, about being saved by grace, and of course about Paul, my nemesis.  As we were finishing our conversation David advised me to continue reading scripture and praying.  I got a little testy and replied, "But I’m already doing all that."  David looked at me quietly for a few seconds, then said, "So then are you ready to accept Christ as your Savior?"  I became numb and sat there stunned by the words I never expected to hear.  And before I knew what was happening I said, "Yes, I think I am." 
I know we prayed, but I can’t remember the words. I sat there with tears running down my face, amazed that I’d just committed to a God I’d been denying for more than half my lifetime.  I believe God called my bluff that day saying, "OK, Marlene, you’ve sat on the fence long enough.  What’s it going to be?  Yes or No?  Praise God, it was Yes.

When Tom came home for Christmas a few weeks later he set about trying to find a church for me.  He was very excited when he found the NSCC Website.  We decided to attend the Christmas Eve service and see how I felt about the church.  Friends, I felt as though I had just come home, your friendliness and kindness made both of us feel so welcome.  Then Tom returned to Nashville and I was on my own.  That next Sunday was difficult for me because I was a stranger in unfamiliar surroundings.  But I had no cause for worry; NSCC lives its faith and supports newcomers and new Christians with love and encouragement.
God is awesome.  Who else could love an arrogant fool like me and call me to Him?  Who else could change my life and attitudes so much in just one year?  He is enabling me to know Him better through his word; to rely on Him instead of myself; to trust that He is always with me and to believe that I will be with Him forever when all the craziness of this world is over.  He is softening my heart – and my mouth too.  He is teaching me patience, as well as understanding and compassion for others.  He has provided me with a welcoming, faith-based church family and the opportunity for fellowship and continued learning.  And above all He forgives me time and time again when I revert to my old, arrogant, hardhearted self.
On those days when doubt still fills my head and I wonder why God would want me, or why Christ would die for me, or if being a Christian is ever going to get easier, I read one of my favorite Old Testament verses, Isaiah 43:1: "But now, this is what the Lord says – he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine".

Thank you Lord!