ON DEPOSITS AND WITHDRAWALS

People may forget what you said,
People may forget what you did
But people will rarely forget
How you made them feel.

If you want to help someone overcome a difficulty or reach a goal, remember that encouragement works.  Paul said, "Encourage one another . . ." (I Thess.5:11).

The writer of Hebrews was even more specific.  He said, "Encourage one another daily" (Heb. 3:13).

Once an old woman tried to use her ATM card at a machine in a college town.  When a student came up, she asked him to help her.  "Sure," he replied.  But when the woman explained that she wanted to make a deposit the boy shook his head and said, "I'm sorry ma'am.  I don't think I can help you.  I've never made a deposit."

That's all too true of life.  We constantly make withdrawals, but are less likely to make deposits.  In fact, each of us has an internal emotional bank with both deposits and withdrawals taking place on a regular basis.  When a person gives us something through acceptance, affection, approval, appreciation or encouragement, they are make a deposit.  But when a person takes away something through rejection, hostility, criticism, condemnation or discouragement, they are making a withdrawal.  If there are more deposits than withdrawals, then the relationship is pleasant.  But if there are more withdrawals than deposits, then the relationship is headed for bankruptcy. 

This works both ways.  Jesus said, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned . . ." (Luke 6:37).

If we do judge or hold resentment, others will probably return in kind.  Then both our relationship accounts will be depleted.  So, how can we have positive relationships with our loved ones and friends?

I.  FIRST, WE MUST HAVE EMPATHY.

This means listening with your heart as well as with your head.  It means understanding.  It means putting yourself in someone else's shoes.  Paul said, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Rom. 12:15).

We can have three attitudes toward others: Apathy, sympathy, and empathy.  Apathy is being unfeeling toward someone.  It shows a total lack of interest and concern.

Sympathy is the opposite.  It means feeling for someone.  But it can include pity and sentimentality.

Empathy, on the other hand, is "feeling with" someone.  It's putting ourselves in their place and sensing their deepest hurts and fears and joys.  Two centuries ago, John Woolman walked barefoot from Baltimore to Philadelphia.  He did it to feel some of the discomfort that slaves suffered when they were forced to walk barefoot over long distances.  By putting himself in the slave's place, he had empathy.

At the close of the Civil War, when many felt passionate hatred for Southerners, Abraham Lincoln avoided the vindictive spirit saying, "I have not suffered by the South.  I have suffered with the South.  Their pain has been my pain.  Their loss has been my loss."  He had empathy.

Paul said, "Be . . . considerate . . . toward all men" (Titus 3:2).

Too often we focus on facts rather than feelings; but to develop empathy, we need to observe body language, which includes tone of voice, facial expression and posture.  These often say more than words.    We need to keep asking ourselves, "If I were having this experience, what would I be feeling?"

C.S. Lewis wrote a story about a woman who mistreated her little servant.  One day an observer scratched the cruel mistress.  When she demanded an explanation, he answered, "I didn't scratch you because you needed to be punished.  I scratched you because you need to know what it feels like."  Knowing what other people's pain feels like creates empathy.
 
II.  NEXT, WE MUST AVOID MAKING WITHDRAWALS.

We make withdrawals from a person's emotional bank account when we criticize or condemn them.  Suppose you say to a teenager, "Your room is a mess.  You need a haircut, and you forgot to take out the garbage."  Over time the withdrawals will exceed the deposits.

We make withdrawals from a person's emotional bank account when we're discourteous and disrespectful.  James said, "Do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it . . ." (James 4:11).

We make withdrawals from a person's emotional bank account when we neglect and discourage them.  Once some frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit.  All the other frogs gathered around the pit.  But when they saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.  For a while, the two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump out.  But the group kept telling them it was no use.

Finally, one of the frogs in the pit believed what the others were saying and gave up.  He fell down and died.  But, the second frog continued to jump as hard as he could.  Once again, the others yelled at him that he might as well just die.  But this seemed to make him jump harder and finally, he made it out.

You see, this frog was stone deaf.  He couldn't hear the discouragement the others were giving him.  He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

Discouragement is a withdrawal.

A pattern of constant withdrawals will soon deplete anyone's emotional bank account.  When this happens, the relationship becomes tense and "at risk" for misunderstandings and conflicts.  When families and churches have low reserves, even a small incident can cause a problem.

III.  FINALLY, WE MUST BE CONSISTENT ABOUT MAKING DEPOSITS.

We make deposits into a person's emotional bank account when we listen and understand.  We make deposits into a person's emotional bank account when we're thoughtful about little things.  We make deposits into a person's emotional bank account when we keep our commitments and show support.  We make deposits into a person's emotional bank account when we're kind and considerate.  A woman said, "I was having coffee with my friend, Jenny, when a neighbor came in bringing her a pink rose.  Jenny admired the flower and put it in her prettiest vase.

After the neighbor left, I said, "But, you have so many beautiful roses in your backyard.  Why didn't you show them to her?"

Jenny smiled and said, "I didn't want to take away her song.  She was so proud of her rose."

We need to remember the subtle ways we can discourage a friend.  Someone tells me her grand-baby just said a word—I'm wild to tell her about how mine, the same age, speaks in sentences.  Someone tells me what a wonderful trip she's just completed—I can't wait to describe in great detail the even longer trip we took last summer.  But, a true Christian has the grace to help others feel good about themselves.  That's making a deposit.

We also make deposits when we show interest and appreciation.  Solomon said, "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (Prov. 16:24).

A pattern of regular deposits will build up anyone's emotional bank account.  Under these conditions we can even make a few mistakes and the reserve will compensate.  A minister said, "I was sitting in my car the other day when an old clunker stalled nearby.  The driver was unable to start it and traffic quickly backed up behind him.  Horns sounded and angry drivers shouted at the embarrassed man.  Some cars pulled around him; but finally, one man drove up behind him and gave him a push.  Soon the car began moving under its own power."

That's life.  When someone is stalled by difficulties, most people shout their disgust at the unfortunate person and leave him to his fate.  What he really needs is a little push to get started again.

Every church and community has a few "stalled vehicles" who need a little push.  Let's offer them words of encouragement.

Now, none of us is perfect, and occasional clashes are inevitable; but it's the overall climate that's important.  In general, pleasurable, positive interactions cause deposits; and painful, negative interactions cause withdrawals.  The more positive the interaction, the larger the deposit; and the more negative the interaction, the larger the withdrawal.  For example if a friend leaves us feeling comfortable, one unit will be deposited into his account.  If the interchange makes us feel good, two units will have been deposited.  Very good gets three.

Suppose, however, we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable when we are with a person.  One unit is withdrawn from their account.  If they make us feel bad, two units are withdrawn.  Very bad warrants a three-unit withdrawal.  As life goes on the accounts in our banks fluctuate.  Some of our acquaintances build up sizeable deposits.  Others who give mixed signals, may have deposits and withdrawals that are about equal.

But, those relationships that cause us more pain than pleasure, become overdrawn, and may go into bankruptcy.

Of course this isn't mathematically precise.  We don't say, "Wow? That was a 3-unit deposit," or, "Oh, no!  That was a 2-unit withdrawal."  Instead, this analogy simply emphasizes that we affect each other emotionally with almost every social encounter.

And remember, this is a mutual process.  When you make deposits into others' bank accounts, they are more likely to make deposits in your bank account.  When you make withdrawals from others' bank accounts they are more likely to make withdrawals from your bank account.  That's why encouragement is so important.  In fact, there was a man in the New Testament whose main talent was that of encouraging others.  They called him "Barnabas," which means, "Son of encouragement."  He was the first to accept Paul as a Christian brother.  There might not have been a Paul without Barnabas.  Also, he was the one who stood up for John Mark when Paul abandoned him.  We might not have a Gospel of Mark without Barnabas.

Encouragement is important.  Once a little boy said, "Our basketball team couldn't win without my grandpa."  Now, Jeremy's grandpa was a farmer, not an athlete, so the coach asked, "Really?  What does he do?" "Well, he goes to all the games and cheers louder than anyone!" was the child's serious reply.

He was right.  People who sit on the sidelines and cheer do have an essential role to play.  This cheering section is extremely important in the church.  People come here with sadness and despair.  Giving support and understanding is one of the major purposes of the church.  The writer of Hebrews said, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another . . ." (Heb. 10:25).

Fortunately, encouragement is a gift all of us can cultivate.  You may not have musical talents or public speaking talents or teaching talents or even hospitality talents; but you can encourage.  Your presence encourages.  Your smile encourages.  Your hug encourages.  Your handshake encourages.  Your kind word encourages.

Jesus came to make deposits, not withdrawals. He showed us by example how to make deposits of love, forgiveness and service.  So don't make withdrawals.  Make deposits!

This year our preaching theme will be "encouragement."  The Scripture says, "Encourage one another . . ." (I Thess. 5:11).
(WC1873)

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