FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
(Prov. 10: 12b; (Song of Sol. 8:67)

An old Hindu legend says the Creator made woman and gave her to man; but after one week, the man came and said, "Lord, this creature you have given me makes my life miserable. She chatters incessantly. She requires constant attention, and takes up all my time. She cries about nothing and so I have come to give her back again as I cannot live with her."

So the creator said. "Very well," and he took her back.

Then after another week, the man approached the creator and said, "Lord, I find that my life is very lonely since I gave you back that creature. She used to sit by me. Her laughter was music and, she was beautiful to look at and soft to touch. Please give her back to me again."

So the Creator said, "Very well," and he gave her back again.

Then, after a few more days, the man returned, saying, "Lord, I don't know how it is, but I have come to the conclusion that she is more trouble than pleasure to me. Please take her back."

The wise Creator said, "Be off! You can't live with her. Neither can you live without her. You'll just have to manage the best you can."

Now this ancient story is a vivid dramatization of the nature of
marriage. Husbands and wives want to be close, loving and intimate; but in the process of sharing their lives, they activate disagreements that lead to conflict. So there they are, caught on the horns of a dilemma.

Communication is the solution, but different love languages make this difficult. Most people assume everyone else speaks and understands the same love language that they do. This is a dangerous assumption.

One husband was told to show affection to his wife. Later when the therapist questioned her, the wife looked blank. The husband had shown affection by washing her car, which was his love language. She had not heard one peep of affection because that was not at all her love language.

Now, most people can hear several love languages, but it's important to find the primary love language. So, let's consider the five languages of love: talk; time; touch; gifts and deeds.

I. FIRST, THERE'S TALK.

Solomon said, "How wonderful it is to be able to say the right thing at the right time" (Prov. 15:23)

Some people need words of affirmation. A person with this love language would say, "I feel most loved when people give verbal compliments, or words of appreciation."

One man, who didn't understand this said to his complaining wife,
"Listen, when we got married, I told you I loved you; and if I ever
change my mind, I'll let you know."

But, sometimes we just need to hear the words. When we disapprove of something we don't hesitate to criticize; but when we have grateful feelings, we are reluctant to speak. Thus, negative feelings get full expression, but positive feelings get very little expression.

Words can also clarify situations. When a wife asks her husband for two months to fix a broken chair and there is no response, does that mean he doesn't care? Well, it could mean that. But it could also mean many other things such as, "I feel a need to do other tasks more"; "I am angry with you"; "I am afraid you'll criticize what I do"; "I feel incompetent and am afraid I'll fail" or "I didn't realize it meant that much to you."

Yes, words are necessary, but they must be honest. Otherwise, your motives may be questioned. When a wife greets her husband at the door with, "Honey, I love you so much"; it may make him suspicious that she forgot to mail that overdue bill. Honest talk is an important love language.

Solomon also said, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in
pictures of silver" (Prov. 25: 11).

II. SECOND, THERE'S TIME.

The writer of Ecclesiastes said, "There is a time for everything . . ." (Ecc. 3:1).

Some people need quality time. This need is expressed with such
statements as, "You're never home" or "You're always too busy for me." A person with this love language would say, "I feel most loved when we are together."

To take time to be with someone is to say, "I value you. Even if I don't agree with all of your ideas, or share all of your interests, I value you!"

One wife felt very ignored because her husband was rarely at home and, when he was there, he was in the garage working on his hobby. She had built up considerable resentment over the years because she felt neglected. The pain was particularly intense because when she was a child, her father was seldom home. Because of her background, time together had become a very important love language.

Paul said, "When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow . . ." (Rom. 12:16, LB).

III THIRD, THERE'S TOUCH.

Matthew said, "Jesus came and touched them. . ." (Matt. 17:7).

Many of us need physical reassurance. This type of person would say, "I feel most loved when we are sitting close, or when your arms are around me." Physical touch can make or break a relationship when this is the primary love language.

Jesus practiced this form of love. The Scriptures say, "He took the
children up in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them" (Mark 10:16).

Infants need touching so desperately that they literally cannot survive without it. The physical expression of love takes many forms—hugs, a pat on the shoulder, eye contact or just being close on the couch while watching television. The physical contacts say, "I am aware of you as a person and I care about you." Touch is a basic love language.

The writer of Ecclesiastes said, there is "a time to hug" (Ecc. 3:5, LB).

IV. FOURTH, THERE ARE GIFTS.

Jesus said, "Give, and it will be given to you. . ." (Luke 6:38a).

Some people need to receive things. Gifts that are bought or made or found meet the needs of these individuals. The cost doesn't matter. It's the visible symbol that says, "You were thinking of me." A person with this love language would say, "I feel most loved when you remember me with a thoughtful gift."

But, any giving must be done freely. Paul also said, "Each man should give. . . not reluctantly or under compulsion . . ." (II Cor. 9:7).

In an affluent society, where status is tied to possessions, we often associate luxury items with being loved. A husband who cannot say, "I love you" verbally; may, instead, lavish his wife with gifts. Unfortunately, if this becomes the message, then if the gifts ever cease, her feelings of being loved will also cease.

One husband had dreams of giving his wife beautiful clothes and jewels; but in order to do this he had to work day and night. Meanwhile, she was struggling to raise three boys who desperately needed a father. Because material things were not her love language, she simply felt abandoned.

Another husband had seen his wife's face glow when she showed off their lovely home with fine furnishings. But, to maintain this standard of living, he had to continue his second job. He was willing because he wanted her to feel loved. But he didn't realize she felt he was bribing her. "Rather than doing things with me, he would rather work. He buys all this because he feels guilty about avoiding me."

So, giving gifts can be overused and misunderstood. But, when it's done carefully and not as a substitute, it's a good love language. Paul said, "It is more blessed to give than receive" (Acts 20:35b, LB).

V. FINALLY, THERE ARE DEEDS.

Paul said, "Serve one another in love" (Gal. 5:13b).

Most people appreciate kind acts. Doing chores or running errands for your loved one meets this need. You express love by your actions.

A person with this love language would say, "I feel most loved when you are helping me and doing things for me."

One husband was furious as he dressed for work. He had reached into the closet only to find one lonely, blue shirt. Was this all that his wife could do for him? Was this all that she cared? As he confronted her with his feelings of neglect, she was stunned. He knew that the baby was sick; and they'd had company that week. Surely he knew that she had not intentionally neglected him.

What was the explanation? Well, as a child he had never felt that he was loved. But, since his mother did make sure that his physical needs were met, this became his primary love language. When his parents fed him, provided clothes; or helped him with his homework, he felt loved. Therefore, unconsciously, he was using this same love language as a measure of his wife's love. Seeing only one blue shirt in the closet felt like his wife was saying, "I really don't care much about you."

In order to serve, we must know what's important to our loved one. One husband, who has little interest in flowers, often helps his wife in the garden. He's saying, "I care about the things you enjoy." Acts of service are an effective love language. The writer of Ecclesiastes said, "Whatever you do, do well. . . "(Ecc. 9: 1, LB).

So, what is your language of love? Which do you need? And which do you speak? There are many couples who, in their own way, are telling their spouses that they love them; but their sincere expressions are being filtered out.

Suppose Harry's primary love language is that of being helped. Mary may write him love notes, and she may spend time with him. But he will not hear these messages until she supports him with his key love language. He can only believe her words, if she has been helping him.

The primary love language is one that needs to be treated with great respect. It leads to the heart of the person.

Paul says, "Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (I Cor. 13:48)

These are the characteristics of love that we need today. So, use all the love languages. Express love through talk, time, touch, gifts and deeds; because feeling loved is the greatest feeling of all. Solomon said, "Love covers over all wrongs" (Prov. 10: 12b);

"Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away . . ." (Song of Sol. 8:67);

Paul said, "Love is the fulfillment of the law" (Rom. 13:10).

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(Word Count: 1823)
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