Rules for Parents

by

Lewis Cogburn

1934-1994

collected by Doug Cogburn 

Table of Contents

1. Discipline

2. Responsibility

3. Work

4. Monitor Money

5. Don't Say What You Don't Mean

6. Give Fair Warning

7. Show and Tell Love

8. Don't Worry

9. Take Them to Church

10. Help Them Remember Where They Came From

11. Don't Holler

12. Don't Pamper

13. Don't Let Them Be Quitters

14. Next Generation Must Do Better

15. They Don't Run the House

16. Go to Their Programs

17. Stick to Their Word

18. Read and Do Math Well

19. Let Them See How You Handle Problems

20. Don't Treat Them Alike

21. Life Don't Revolve Around Them

22. Trouble Builds Closeness

Introduction

Lewis Cogburn had many rules for what would make a good parent. He never called them rules that had to be followed, but when he gave advice he did not consider it to be optional advice.

He has spent several evenings at our home when Jessica was small, telling us what we were doing wrong and how we should correct it. The visits were easy to spot, they were always unannounced and it was the only time he came without Momma unless it was time to discuss her birthday or Christmas present.

Several of the quotes in this volume have come from those lectures, and a few have come from his observations about other people's children, but the majority are from the last long talk we had in his bedroom. He was going to the hospital the following Monday for what we both thought would be the final time, so he knew this would probably be the last time he'd get to talk to me without somebody else around. He kept telling me to not forget, and to not let the children forget where we'd come from and what we believed in and stood for.

I've tried to remember that, but five years is a long time, so here is at least part of what I promised to remember and pass along.

Discipline

"The worst thing you can do for a child is to not give him a sense of discipline. I don't mean being disciplined like being punished, I mean a sense of self-discipline, where he can learn to do things on his own and stick with things and have responsibility. That's the number one lesson in life he needs to learn, is a sense of self-discipline, where he can get things done even when there's nobody around to tell him or make him."

Responsibility

"Every child needs responsibilities: things that they have to do on their own and not get paid for it. If they don't learn how to be responsible while they're at home, they won't know how to do it when they go off to school or have their own families."

Work

"Always have some work for a child to do. He needs to feel like he's a part of the family and they do that by having work that they have to do. And make them do good work, because that'll show how they're going to work outside the home. Wherever they go, they should always be the best hand in the patch."

Monitor Their Money

"A child isn't grown-up, he's a child. You should monitor how they spend their money. Lots of folks think that they can learn from their mistakes and they can, but it's a lot easier and cheaper to learn from somebody else's mistakes, so watch how they spend their money and don't let them spend it foolishly. It's all right to have fun and do fun things with money, but they need to learn about what's too expensive and what's junk and how to manage their money and spend it wisely. If they don't learn how to do now, they'll have lots of time to learn from big mistakes that they'll make when they're grown. So its better to learn now."

Don't Say What You Don't Mean

"If you're not going to do it, then you shouldn't say it or threaten to do something. If I told the boys what would happen if they did this or that, and they went ahead and did it, then they got whatever reward or punishment I'd promised them. They have to know that they can believe you and that you aim for them to listen to you the first time. If you keep saying that you'll whip them if they do something, and then you never do, then they'll know that you don't mean what you say and that they can get by with things. Then they'll try that when they grow up, and they'll be in trouble on their job or with the law because they won't know that everybody don't let you get by with things. Or they'll learn to lie too, because that what's you're teaching them to do if you don't follow though."

Give Fair Warning

"Don't never spank or punish a child the first time they do something. They need to know what's expected of them and what'll happen if they mess up. When Doug was little, the first time he did something that he shouldn't., I wouldn't spank him for it, but I'd tell him, 'Boy, I don't like that and you don't do that. If you ever do again, I'll whip you good.' He always knew what I did and didn't accept out of him and he almost always lived up to that because he knew what I wanted out of him. You whip a child for doing something wrong the first time they did it, and they'll think that you're mean and get mad because they may not have known any better, and it don't seem fair to get in trouble for something when that consequence hadn't been laid out beforehand. So give them the benefit of the doubt the first time; there's a difference between them doing something in ignorance or carelessness and in doing something that they know is wrong and that you don't like."

Show and Tell Love

"In all the time I was growing up, I don't ever remember hearing my parents telling us that they loved us. We knew they did because of how they treated us and everything they did for us, but I never heard them say it. It was hard for me when I grew up to tell them that because I'd never been around that or much hugging or kissing or showing affection. That's one thing you've got to do better that I did. Do things for them so they'll know that they're loved, but it's important to tell them and to show them. Don't hang back from that even though it's hard to do if you've never been around it or it's just not in your nature, but it's too important not to do it. They need to know it, but they need to see it and hear it too."

 Don't Worry

"The most useless thing I've ever done has been to worry. I worried about money and how we'd get by and how things would turn out, and nothing I ever worried about ever happened the way I was afraid it would. If I could change anything about life, I'd take back all the time I've lost worrying, so I don't want you to worry and I don't want you to let the children worry. Everything most always turns out all right; most never the way you thought it would, but still all right. If you trained them up well in all these other areas, then they'll be able to hand whatever comes along in life, and they won't have to worry. Especially if you're there for them. That's how you and I have got through everything. There may have been some things come up that you couldn't figure out and handle on your own and they may have been some things come up that I couldn't figure out and handle by myself, but I didn't figure there was ever anything that would come up that we couldn't figure out and handle together."

Take Them to Church

"Don't just tell them to go to church and let their mother take them; you be there with them. You've got to do better at that than I did. They need to see you getting up and going to church and being involved in it. That's the only way that they'll ever know that it's really important. They'll remember what you show them a lot longer than they'll ever remember what you just tell them."

Help Them Remember Where They Came From

"Don't let them forget where they came from. The family's made a lot of progress, coming from poor sharecroppers living in other people's home to college graduates with good jobs and lots of money saved up. But don't let them forget how it started and how it took hard work and sacrifice to get us where we're at. When the girls are grown and have got they're big house and they come driving up in their sports cars and Cadilacs, don't let them forget where we've been and how we got to where they could have their opportunities and fancy things. Remind them about how we'd be out working two or three jobs, hauling papers in the middle of the night, working tobacco, putting up hay, just so they wouldn't have to live like that. Don't let them forget that no matter how much money they and their husbands might make and how high society they might get that no money can buy good reputation or a good name or a good word. We've give them all that, but it's up to them to keep it."

Don't Holler

"You shouldn't have to holler at the children all time. You may have to get loud to get their attention sometimes, but if you're consistent, do what you say, and follow through on warnings, then you shouldn't have to holler to get their attention. They ought to mind you without it. If you're always having to get mad and holler at them to get them to listen, then it doesn't really matter whether they mind you or not because you've lost control. They're just eventually going along with you out of fear or not wanting to listen to you. They ought to mind and do as you say out of respect, not fear."

Don't Pamper

"Don't be afraid to give them things and to let them have special treats, but don't pamper and spoil them. They shouldn't think that they deserve special treatment and all the things that they get, but that you're doing it because you're nice and you want to. Otherwise, they'll grow up thinking that the world owes them something and that everybody ought to spoil them and let them have their way all the time. And that isn't how the world works. They need to know that they're going to have to earn their way through life, and not wait on somebody to give them something."

Don't Let Them Be Quitters

"They need to learn to stick to what they start. If they're always starting something and then quitting it when it gets hard or isn't as much fun, then they'll not learn that you have to stick with things and see them through. If they quit every time it gets a little rough, then they'll not 

know how to finish school or keep a job or stay married. Life's full of rough and hard things that aren't fun but have to be done, and if they learn that when they're young, then they'll remember it when they come to those places and they'll be able to get through them."

Next Generation Must Do Better

"You always want the next generation to do a little bit better and accomplish a little bit more than the last one. I got through the eighth grade, you were the first generation to go through college, the kids need to be the generations that's the doctors or lawyers or preachers. Every generation needs to have a little more education and learning, a little bit better career, a little more responsibility in the church and community, a little bit more money. Otherwise, the family isn't making any progress and the next generation doesn't have anything to look forward to or to aim for."

They Don't Run the House

"Don't let the kids run the house. They don't make the decisions and tell you what you're going to do. Ask them what they think and make them a part of the house, but you've got the say. It was your home and your family before they came along and it will be after they've left, so you and your wife are the ones who make the decisions and rule the home."

Go to Their Programs

"When they've got programs at school or church or playing ball or something to do at scouts or clubs, that may not seem to important compared to whatever you're worrying about or the work you're doing or something big that needs to be done. But it is. It is to them, and it should be to you. Take part in their activities and show that you're interested in it and them. If they don't think that you think it's important enough for you to come watch when they're in something, then they'll think that whatever they're doing isn't important and neither are they. And it's hard to amount to anything when you're not important to your parents."

Stick to Their Word

"Don't let the children become undependable. If they tell somebody they'll be somewhere or will do something, then you make sure that they do. Nobody likes somebody that you can't depend on, so they need to do what they said they'd do. Your word is like your name. You've got to make it good and keep it that way. If somebody can't take you at your word then they'll not have much use for you. You can't build a good name and reputation like that. Folks need to see that you're dependable and reliable and predictable."

Life Don't Revolve Around Them

"Your life don't always revolve around the children. If it does, when they grow up and move out, then you and their Momma won't have anything in common and nothing to do. You need to do some things without them, go out to eat or somewhere to get away. You and her have your own life to live, and it can't always be about the children. Don't get so busy with them that you forget about each other."

Read and Do Math Well

"The most important and basic part of an education is to learn to read and do math well. If you can do those two things, then you can pretty much figure out everything else because most things eventually get down to something that you can read about or figure out."

Let Them See How You Handle Problems

"It doesn't matter how much you tell children about how they should do, what they'll learn is what they've seen you do. You've got to show them how to handle problems, how to treat other people, how to handle your temper, how to not quit. They'll turn out the way they see you acting, so it's important that you always do things right and well. They're always watching you and they're always remembering what they see. And that's how they'll act when they get in that same situation in their life or with their children. You're what they'll be." 

Don't Treat Them Alike 

"It's a mistake to treat all the children the same. Don't have favorites and be partial, but don't think that you have to treat them exactly the same. They're different people, they've got different personalities and needs and they learn and react different. If you treat them exactly alike, what worked for one might not help the other and they might think that you don't want them to be different or that you like one better because you're treating them all like they're that one. You treat the children the way they need to be treated and the way that they learn from and are helped. You may have to be rougher on one and more patient with another. You love them the same, but that means you have to know them enough to know how they needed to be treated, which is different." 

Trouble Builds Closeness

"Don't be afraid of all the trouble in life because that's how you learn. When you've got troubles and trials, that's what makes you grow and become better; that's what brings out the best in others and shows you how many friends and how much help is out there. Trouble shows what you and the people around you are really like.

Me and Momma have had a lot of troubles, not nearly as many as a lot of people, but enough hard times: being out of work and broke, losing our parents, losing the baby, me being sick. But those times of problems and pain have only brought us closer and made us stronger, and that's what they'll do for you and the children, but you've got to make it happen. A lot of people go through things like this and let it drive them apart and make them weaker, but that's not how it's supposed to happen. If you face life and its problems together, as a family, then that's how you'll come out of them, as a family, but one that's better than before. Don't forget that, and don't let the children forget, either."